*I am the still, deep, blue water* Do you want to? Now they just accept that they cannot ask to be let up to my apartment pretty much ever instead they ask if I want to do something or meet them downstairs. If the person enthusiastically responds, like, THANK YOU, I WAS HOPING SOMEONE WOULD SAY THAT, COME BY AT 11? then you are invited. Im going to share what Im comfortable with and Im going to kick the rest under the bed until you leave. It should never sound like you're begging to come over to his place. Of course, some people are just bad at initiating, and can get into a lazy habit of letting the other person do all of it, but it could also be a sign that shes not as into this friendship as you are. Hoshit, I missed the cleaning remark the first time. But when everyones pretty busy, its often easier to just be more fault-tolerant than to try in vain to be a flawless scheduling robot. I think many of the people in your life will be grateful to you for placing things firmly on the space-time continuum. Letting a guy know that you want to go back to his place can be very forward and scary to do. Them:I want to see What We Do In The Shadows., You:Me too. It's a public place. She whined about it to someone else, who told me about it. I dont mind people inviting themselves over as long as I have some notice, and of course if were pretty good friends to begin with. Calling out seems much more about telling the LW that theyve done something wrong rather than the friend owning their preferences or stating an unpreviously set boundary. I just didnt realize that when someone starts coming down on you hard for doing something as innocuous as dropping by at the wrong time, the problem isnt with the etiquette rule; its with the relationship.. It may not be rude to you (and certainly is less invasive than just showing up), but as the comments here make clear there are a whole lot of people who dont like it when a friend invites herself to their home. On that day, between these hours, please feel free to drop by and take tea. These norms are most evident at weekends-by-the-lake, sporting activities in common, and any event where BBQ grills are in abundance. When you show up to events with him, is he the only SO there? Which is why I despise despise despise Google Hangouts, but thats a completely different story. I didnt get one, so I didnt go. Not even family or closest friends. Maybe if you were really good friends with someone and didn't do it too much it would be fine, but otherwise try to avoid it. The need to suddenly clean would discomfit me, sure, but I would be more bothered by some of the above. Kids social relationships are fraught with pitfalls! Maybe he honestly was en route to shower with rubber duckie and towel, but, well. We talked about boys, sex, parents, money, school. On the other hand, I have this one friend who tends to make plans and then get busy with other things and forget to follow through, and Friend has told me more than once that I need to be more persistent about hanging out because Friend is borderline ADD and WILL forget to get in touch with me to arrange hanging-out time if I dont press the issue. Ill have discomfort discussing a plan with a person if its a plan that they could conceivably have been involved with. My gran is old-fashioned enough that she has actual calling cards with nothing but her name on them, so if she drops by someones house and theyre not home, she tucks the card in the doorframe to let them know she was there. Please take your high horse out back and shoot it. I cant wait until we have the house finished so I can start locking the door again. What we can do is trust the LWs perception of their own life and their own relationships prior to this point. Are usually dealing with various mental issues that prevent them from taking care of household necessities, and they dont deserve to be shamed for that just because you happen to like drop-ins. The exception would be for a traditional date. It can also feel shameful if you have been to the person whos visitings house, and their place is/seems spotless, fancy, and smells like freshly baked pie, and then they want to come and visit you and your place isvery much not like that. Im embarrassed now when I think of how I chased after her. Intimacy and connection with other people means putting yourself out there, taking risks, and sometimes making mistakes. So on time it hurts. Now one is enforcing etiquette rules, and the other is wondering if theyre really rules so as to figure out if any were broken as though knowing that would make her right and her friend wrong. That sounds nice, but I need to find this part for my vacuum cleaner means No. If you get one of these refusals-for-reasons, a good thing to do is to saysome variation of Gotcha! Anyway, Im pretty much resigned to the fact that giving unsolicited advice is a social faux pas, so am trying to focus on other gifts that others might offer me instead. There are exceptions, lots of them. If you, a person who lives in my giant city but not anywhere near the suburb where I live, happen to find yourself in that suburb, and want to grab a coffee/see a movie/a meal/a drink/a manicure. You didnt do anything wrong by issuing invitations, but either the other person isnt interested enough to make you a priority, or they are interested but dont have the bandwidth right now to make you a priority. Be cool and become the person that everyone wants to have over. *deep breaths* People would say to me things like, Oh, we should get together soon! and Id say, Yeah, lets do that! Then Id wait for them to call me, because in the culture I grew up in, a person wouldnt extend themselves to say we should get together unless they really wanted to do that, and maybe they just had to go home first and check their calendar and the person who was on the receiving end of the invitation shouldnt call the other person, because it would be rude and demanding to not take them at their word. Seriously, my go-to method is to hide out of sight and pretend Im not in until they give up and go away. Which might be fine, but might feel invasive depending on your relationship with the person (I frequently carpool with people I dont know well, who Im in no way on a visiting each others houses kind of relationship with). Why view it as a personal offence? And will happily cook a meal for unexpected guests because she enjoys doing it. This is a hard one, sometimes. Like . If theyd gone with the latter I could give a soft no if I wasnt feeling it and dignity for all would be kept intact, but by hiding that question it pre-empts the soft no by making you divulge that no you didnt really have any plans and are in fact free, thus making it trickier to evade an unwanted invitation gracefully. Down. I cant tell if this is a serious enough thing that I should consider a caveat for this type of thing too. Agreed. My current circle has enough meetups coordinated through non-Facebook means that I dont mind missing the occasional Facebook-only one, but when I lived in a different city with a different social circle I actually picked one person I was closer to and asked her to be my Facebook mole If you see a whole-group invitation go out via Facebook, could you email me about it? They will say yes or no and you will figure something out. Keep it minimal and casual. So many different points of view in the comments! Ring the doorbell Im still not sure how one knows the difference without being told explicitly so I still err on the side of isolating myself / not imposing my presence on people. LW, from your letter it sounds as though you didnt just show up at her door to show off your new bike but rather called to announce that you wanted to show up at her door to show off your new bike, and unless you cheerfully explained THAT you were coming over right this very minute, rather than cheerfully asked WHETHER you could come over right this very minute, I dont think you said or did anything wrong at all: all your friend had to do was say, Nope, sorry, not a good time! if she werent up for a visit from you (and your awesome bike). Feeling confident in the friendship, and not thinking about the possibility that people can like you bunches. On the topic of work drop-bys as compared to home drop-bys, specifically the vibe created by the interruption: Mezzanines description is honest; its just setting an agreed-upon check-in point in advanceyou need to check in and see if I want you to leave after X time, at which point I will let you know how I feel. Those are really helpful sometimes, especially if a person doesnt always realize theyre starting to feel run down unless the topic comes up. Please do not copy, reproduce, or translate any articles without permission. i think of that person as kind of a douche. I dont care how close we are. Especially if you guys have only been friends 2-3months. Later, after invites had gone out and the spares were given to the Bride, Bride told housemate to tell me I was invited verbally while at some other event. I once got taken by surprise by my cousin at her birthday party asking why my boyfriend hadnt come. Maybe LWs friend has been waiting for just this opportunity. I had acquaintances that did that to me (hence not friends). You were a little kid. Come and help me usher in a new age. Tip #2: Plan a Dinner Close to Home or at Your Home. We kind of do that Sunday is the only day that Mr Bird and I are both free so when we run into friends during the week we often tell all of them Come over Sunday between 4 and 7 for tea and usually at least one will show up. If you can improve the overall social impression you make you'll give yourself more leeway to invite yourself to things. I agree with you about entertaining and making my home lovely. Not thinking. I know, but like I said up thread, Ive had a couple of friends in the past who would in fact regularly cancel that close to whatever-it-was, so I got in the habit for a while because I couldnt trust that plans were real. This is all excellent. Anyway, those are the general rules I would follow, but I think here as some others have noted its really important that your friend has been pulling away from her generally for the past year. I have two minds about dropping inpartly, I really like it because of my mental issues, I can go from I need to be alone for an undisclosed amount of time to I would feel significantly better with company in a very short amount of time that can foil even the best-laid plans. Also, partners hometown friends live near Vacation Place, and they frequently call him to ask when were going to be there, and then theyll just invite themselves out for a couple of days. Im firmly in the camp of food is not bad and I refuse to feel guilty for it. 5 to 10 minutes late is compassionate. Especially since I kind of see him as a big brother to me. It would be different if I was hanging out with two people and then only plotted with one of them. I am sitting here listen to someone honk their horn every 20 seconds for, I dont even know, 5 minutes? With regard to dropping by a friends house, I made that mistake once while I was in a friends neighborhood. We dont have enough information to know whether this was appropriate in the context of the relationship. It would be different in the burbs or rural areas, I assume. Intimacy and connection with other people means putting yourself out there, taking risks, and sometimes making mistakes. To me, Family are the people who, if they show up early, can be pressed into cleaning and other prep. If he is into you he will definitely show up as he will want to protect you. Go to a place with someone, or 2. have someone to MY place/where I am going. It didnt occur to me before you said it, but it could totally be a function of the fact that Im not so plugged in with most of my friends lives when Im not hanging out with them face to face. Maybe there are sub-groups within the group that function well together, and the person is only inviting one particular sub-group. Any self-respecting grownup should have mouthwash and face-wash readily available for exactly these types of situations (and hopefully for themselves on any other normal night). just got off the train, be there in 5 min Then they wont be surprised when I buzz them or ring the doorbell a few min later. You might also find out what his favorite type of movie is and maybe find it on Netflix or disney+, then ask if you can watch it at his house. Oh eek. but even adults have feelings, and if you expect someone to be your friend you should treat them like one. I live in a city apartment, so I certainly dont expect somebody to park, get me to buzz them in, and climb stairs or ride the elevator to my floor to meet me. How long is that glass of water going to last? Im fine. Cleanliness and organization goes for your bedroom too. It hurts to be the one being downgraded, but when it happens the only thing to do is respect their wishes and give them space. I have mild recurring plantar fascitis, so standing can get uncomfortable. So, if you dont want to come on too strong or you feel shy to do it, use these little tips to indicate to him that you want some private time bonding. Those mental issues existed twenty, forty, and sixty years ago, too. understanding whether the feeling counts in reality or doesnt exist But it is very difficult to answer my son who keeps asking if he can have a playdate with T. Telling him that we have asked him twice, and now we have to wait for him to say something before we can ask again, just results in but I really, really want to play with T. Offers of inviting someone else over get, Can we ask T instead? I can keep redirecting that question, and even give a really specific no, because, but I really would like to invite T over, either to our house or to a neutral area like a local park. Cooking is one of many love languages, and if you are familiar with it, then there is no better way to show him how much you care than by preparing a tasty home-cooked dinner. Do not copy, print, or repost entire posts elsewhere without written permission. Midwesterners. Its what I try to do, thats when the comments about being silly comes in. As a general rule, though, calling ahead is never *wrong* and can save you a lot of Oh, I didnt expect visitors, lets talk out here on the porch for a few minutes awkwardness. Seconded! If you cant master this obscure, difficult, and insufficiently documented skill set then youre just lazy and rude.. I probably will teach him to invite friends over the phone eventually, but my guess is that it will be one or two years before he is ready to start it. Im severely physically disabled, and my partner is disabled to a lesser degree, we both have autoimmune issues too. If you made dinner at his house, leave the kitchen cleaner than when you arrived. NEVERRRR, Its just that my family builds onion layers of forbidden feelings, and it was impossible to guess which ones you were supposed to notice & do something about and which ones didnt exist. The soft invite is way too easy to brush off, especially with the level of over-scheduling that exists at certain socio-economic levels. Ill be back . Me? Don't overpay for pet insurance. They are not uncivilized roobs its just the norms of the very casual social culture in which they travel. Here are some additional thoughts: Dont worry why things seem different stopping by work and home. Im also getting the sense that things are shifting between us a bit is there anything I can do to help our friendship be as comfortable as it used to be?. But having grown up in the country, where you werent likely to be going past Auntie Janes house that frequently so why not stop and say hello while youre going past, I have felt mildly hurt when this doesnt happen. Im not saying this is rational, but tell that to teenage me, who was so quiet that people did actually forget about her! The people who ask and then sulk/whine/wheedle when they hear nothats a big red flag. Taken together with the overall vibe of your friend drifting away lately suggests that perhaps a mismatch in reciprocity in this particular friendship. And if I were that one in a situation and someone brought it up before or after I would wonder if they were doing it passive aggressively and I would be reevaluating our relationship a bit. Guys don't usually invite girl (friends) to hang out alone just to "hang out". I can still say no of course, but it becomes rather rocky when it shouldnt have to. By agreeing on brutal honesty we can both have a good time while were having it, and end it when were not. I dont tend to have long Facebook/text/IM chats with people, I use those things mostly to send direct invitations when Im making plans. All the needs to happen after that is showing up, right? Issue one invitation, and whether its accepted or turned down, wait for one from her before issuing another. First, apologize for coming over uninvited at an inconvenient time. I really really hate it when people use cultural differences as a convenient excuse to behave badly.It makes me feel like it's my fault for not knowing how things are supposedly done in this country. Things have changed since I was young. Obviously, you don't want a frustratingly long commute or the risk of traffic to dampen the mood. however. No matter how close we are. they just didnt want me there. It is interesting to see all the different perspectives here it really is individual-specific! Since I became bedbound Ive had to have my parents here, in my house. People who dont shouldnt be dropping by anyway. On your FAMILY vacations?? I also thought I was bad at social cues because reading social cues seemed to mean so much more than just interpreting someones face and words correctly. The guy had the kind of job that involved getting up before dawn and he was already in bed he wasnt super impressed, and thats when I started really thinking about whether it was OK to just drop in on people not everyone has the same schedule as me. (I mean, my house is my Fortress of Solitude, and I can be super grumpy if Im interrupted in the middle of something by my phone, but unless underlying issues are at play, even I the Queen of the Solitary Grumpies here am never going to reply to a self-invite with Dude, totally inappropriate! rather than just, Nope, not gonna work right now.) Talk about it with her if youd like; let her slow-fade quietly on out if youd like; find a new awesome person to enjoy riding with. This obviously requires some negotiation about how many social units Im willing to invest in which people, and how enthusiastically they respond. No, not all cleaning in advance of company is shame-cleaning. Guys can be very easy-going with their toiletries and appearance. If it turns into a huge social thing it tends to be bad. Im actually good at reading body language and other social cues, when everyone around me isnt lying to me all the time. . I never got why it was so important why I had to end my visits to their place at a certain time, but I mostly went along with it. Answer door, welcome cousin with open arms. I'm telling you from experience: Nothing is going to kill the vibe quicker than a dirty, dank, disgusting apartment. Or at least for the text to come not while theyre sitting in my driveway I had to have an absolute tear down fight with my mum to get her to stop just dropping in on me and randomly eating entire afternoons that I had planned to do other things with. Who DOES this? I have wet hair from my recent shower, and there are piles of laundry all over the living room. (or text) I may not be able to, either due to existing plans, or lack of remaining energy for interacting with humans. I broke it off because I couldnt take the conflict anymore. After some time, call him on the phone and act tipsy. - YouTube 0:00 / 2:46 How to invite yourself over to someone's house. So go her! (I have no qualms about putting the dogs outside if I spot proselytizers or door-to-door salespeople coming down the street, but I wont put the dogs out if someone is already inside the yard.). This is where I, a sincere, gregarious person who did not grow up understanding how invitations or reciprocity works, used to mess it up. Its insanely awkward. If the guy doesn't seem interested in your suggestion to get together at his place, let it go and move on. So I would say oh well Im free this afternoon too if you want to hang out actually no because reason OR that sounds like fun! the next day why didnt we hang out yesterday?. Sometimes right as I was getting home from work. There is also a lot of sabotage going on, and this major disruption of my environment as we completely redo the wiring and gut the basement and first floor and install HVAC, so everything that was spread out on three big floors is now crammed into three tiny rooms (why she has decided to do all this major construction and demolition NOWwhen I am trying to make a good impression on a potential employer and show up early and well-rested and eageris a mystery best not examined too closely, but she may be thinking about selling the house or MOVING IN WITH MESCREAAAAAAM) and it is, all in all, not fun. Another thing you can try is to organize a book night. (Everyone else gets vacuuming if absolutely necessary, plus some spaces to sit down cleared off.). Like, most of Mr Birds family lives in Nearish Smaller Town, and often have to come to Big Town where we live for shopping, doctors, etc. I have routinely over the last year asked if she were free for me to drop in for a hug when fetching mail (I receive mail in the same building as her office) and thats seemed fine.. Some will even have the gall to ask if they can bring groups of their friends mind you, these are people Ive never met before in my life so that I can fucking host a group of strangers on my vacation! Instead they will be evasive. Werewolves not Swearwolves. If the person is like Erm, I think I got it, but thanks! let it drop. Thats what my partner says (the part about the very casual social culture with BBQs and fishing.) Im loving the fictional examples everyone is giving here. This is partly based on what I observed of other kids. For me, its a bit like physical contact boundaries. Like you, if specifically invited, its green; anything else is red. 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Posts elsewhere without written permission to this point own relationships prior to this point be different in burbs. This was appropriate in the context of the relationship you made Dinner at how to invite yourself over to a guys house place on what try.
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